Silent but not so deadly

Right ...
So I need to get Broadband at home for myself and the missus. I phone up BT to get one of my lines changed over from NTL (thats 'Not Too Lively') to a BT (thats 'Bill'em Twice) line so that the missus' company can pay for the broadband ...

this is all no problem

Today is the day when an engineer is booked to turn up and do all the necessary stuff, apparently, according to the telephone bod this will involve a five minute visit at no charge ...

great

Its ten a.m and I am just about to leave the house for the office and the mobile goes. "Hello its the BT engineer ... I'll be with you in ten minutes" "Fine I'll hang on" ... I'm hanging on to ask him some pointless questions about broadband that I already know ... just to make sure ...

this is also tickety boo

I am standing just six feet from my front door with my coat on, chatting with number one, occasionally glancing out of the window to check on Mr BT's arrival ...

Twenty minutes goes by and I decide that I can wait no longer so I make to go and to my utter shock and surprise I find an apology slip from BT saying "I am sorry but we called and you were out, please arrange another convenient time when our engineer will call back"

I was of course slightly miffed at this and call BT back to bollock them ...
the engineer is now at my house drilling holes in my walls and generally making a nuisance of himself because it isn't a five minute job after all ...

Lets look at it from the BT blokes point of view ... I did and this is what I came up with ...

"Its monday morning and I slept a bit late, so I didn't get any breakfast and had to dash out for my first job at 8.15 am ... did that, and the next one, its 10.15 am and I am now a bit hungary, all right I'm fecking starving ... I arrive at my next customer and have a quick recce. Shit, it 's not a five minute job at all, I have to get up a pole, fit some wires, drill a hole, fit a box, check it all and clean up, thats going to take at least two hours, it'll be lunchtime before I'm done.
I know what I'll do, I'll use the Ninja tactical operations move I learnt at BT engineers college, you know, its page 233 in the BT How to manual. pull into the street , park slightly up the road so they can't see me from the window, change into my all terrain black ninja fatigues and black kung fu slippers, then advance on the property holding my pre-prepared apology slip tucked into my red 2nd dan ninja sash ...
I move silently, like a cat, poised to make my move, I crouch down on my haunches and creep to the front door, and with all the dexterity that years of experience have taught me, I gently prise open the letterbox, and with no more than a soft flutter the slip nestles on the mat and I am gone, back into the shadows and away. 10.20 am and I am in the cafe, tucking into a full english ..."

Shame that at 10.40 am he was hoisted out of the cafe and onto a job, you know, the one he gets FUCKING PAID FOR !!!

Things I learnt today 14th Jan 2005

ts a really bad idea to dress up as a nazi if your third in line to the throne of England even if you only did it after seeing pictures of other members of your family in similar costume.

Labi Siffre's rare album 'Remember My Song' has the killer track 'I Got The...', which has a huge break sampled by, among others, Eminem on 'My Name Is...' Checking out the credits on the album, I noticed that bass and guitar players where none other than Chas Hodges and Dave Peacock, popular english session musicians at the time. That meant that one of the fattest bass breaks in hiphop was played by a member of the oft-derided cockernee novelty act Chas & Dave ... and we supported them, does that make us cooler than cool ... SHAMOWN !!!

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the bible was a cat ... although I challenge anyone to tell me in what book of the new or old testament there is mention of a hamster ... or a gerbil ... or a guinea pig

when a fleas got an itch, what's it scratching ?

Things I learned today - 13th Jan 2005

The Epic of Gilgamesh is, perhaps, the oldest written story on Earth. It comes to us from Ancient Sumeria, and was originally written on 12 clay tablets in cunieform script. It is about the adventures of the historical King of Uruk (somewhere between 2750 and 2500 BC).


how many beans make five ...
thats a bean a bean half a bean half a bean a bean a bean

To change an i pod battery you only have to part with 35 quid

to change over from NTL to BT you need the NTL account number

My powerbook "Pismo" is a work of Satan

The Ocean Rooms has been gutted and it will look funky when it re-opens on the 27th Jan.

Death sucks ...