International Bicycle Thief

2010-05-17T20:52:00.000Z

I HAVE MOVED

2007-04-23T10:51:00.000Z

All blogging and Podcasting activity will now take place at www.pottymouse.com.

Please come and visit me there!!

I rest my case

2007-01-22T22:19:00.000Z

I refer you all to my post from February 2005 and I say again Jade Goody
Oh dear oh dear oh dear ....

Maybe now someone will give me a job as a celebrity pundit ....

Although I doubt it.

Cinema du Lyon Podcast Five

2006-09-14T23:18:00.000Z

That which is darkness is replaced by light
Download

Odeo

Cinema du Lyon web

The Brothers of the Head

2006-06-27T20:27:00.000Z

I loved the book. Brian W Aldiss is a fantastic writer of science / real fiction.

I am waiting for the film with an eagerness that I haven't felt for a long time

Watch the trailer here

... and hello Steve, Nice to talk on your birthday ... I google earthed your location and I now know where you live. It looks great.
I will be there soon.
I love you too xxx

Cinema du Lyon podcast number four

2006-03-19T19:58:00.000Z

Finally it's here ... and believe me the wait was worth it.
download it from HERE or go to Odeo and get it there, or best of all go to the Cinema du Lyon website and hear it streamed, plus listen to more tracks on the Cinema du Lyon virtual jukebox

Your just fluffy

2006-03-15T21:16:00.000Z

hmmmm....

The Sluts

2006-02-25T17:08:00.000Z

A new and exciting Blog from the star that is James Jackson Monroe, Guitarist and songwriter in the mega group that is The Sluts

Odeo for Cinema du Lyon

2006-02-07T14:26:00.000Z

Apparantly this is the best way to claim the podcasts for Cinema du Lyon through Odeo

My Odeo Channel (odeo/d1558414a5464752)

So there we go

So anyway ...

2006-01-19T00:09:00.000Z

the train stopped at Streatham Common ... it wasn't supposed to stop at Streatham Common, but it did.
It waited for five minutes before the driver crackled onto the intercom.
"There's a gas leak in Battersea, so I have to wait here ...
any passengers that want to get off to stretch their legs or to have a cigarette, please do so"
That of course is a sign, it means, this could take a while. So I wait.
twenty minutes go by and nothing.
More crackling intercom.
"I am being told that this could be a while, so any passengers who need to make alternative arrangements
...ohh
hang on"

So I hang on.
Along with everyone else.

All through this episode there is an extraordinarily irritating girl on the telephone, very loud, speaking absolute nonsense to another immensely irritating girl on another train, probably also stationary due to the enforced inability in gaining a passage through the toxic miasma that is Battersea.

Now under normal circumstances, this person would be tolerable, everyone knowing that the maximum amount of time that we had to spend listening to the imbecilic blatherings of this complete dullard, would be a mere ten minutes, tops.
But.
Sitting at Streatham Common, with no sign of a conclusion.

I am chewing the carpet already.
I want to stand up and scream "SHUT UP!"
I want to jam the mobile that she is croaking into up her arse, and I want the man sitting next to me to hold her legs apart while I do it, and I want the russian girl opposite me (don't ask I just know) to batter her with her own arm, the one was ripped off by the older man sitting next to her ...

We all feel it now, that killing feeling ...

and I bet its the same on the other train, with the other girl, at the other god-forsaken station they are stuck on.

I have to get off ...
the feeling is so strong that I barge,
then I'm on the platform, making decisions,
about getting a bus, then a tube.

I'm nearly off the platform

Shouts from the Guard
"Everyone back on, the train is able to leave"

So I leap back on, into a quiet carriage, sedate even, prepared to continue this nightmare. The train moves away and the crackle comes back ...

"Due to the gas leak at Battersea we will be terminating at Clapham Junction"

fuck

short recollection

2006-01-17T18:07:00.000Z

I am washing up and I'm thinking ...

I once shared, and co-owned, a house in Mayfield.

The situations that lead up to the purchase of this property and the person with which I undertook this responsibility are not for now, so lets move on.
Mayfield is a charming village in East Sussex boasting, at the time, eleven or so pubs. We were fortunate enough to inhabit an idyll right next door to one, with a typical name, The Railway Arms, and I can definitely say for certain that we became locals within two months.
I have nothing but fond memories of this house, whose address I can't remember, so its a crying shame that I was too immature to appreciate it.

There were moments.

I had a beautiful bedroom at the top of the house, sorry, I haven't explained the place have i, well, this is from memory dating back eighteen years.

The house was a right-hand semi-detached property with a small lane running down by the right-hand side. It comprised three floors, Entrance hall leading to a kitchen at the back and a living room at the front. Two bedrooms and a bathroom on the middle floor and the final bedroom, mine, at the top.

I lived there for at least eighteen months and for at least three quarters of that time I was completely happy, not just getting along happy, completely happy.

Why didn't I see that.

There are at least twelve really good stories wrapped around this time.

But that is also for another time.

washing ups done ...

how are ya ?

2005-12-22T00:11:00.000Z

"Hello mate, how are ya ?"
"Yeah I'm all right"
"Good ! ... and how's the band going ?"
"Yeah, its going all right at the moment"
"Good, good (nods) ... good ... done any gigs lately ?"
"Yeah, a couple ... you know .... the usual ... they were all right"
"Any reaction at all ?"
"Yeah ... the reaction ... yeah, it was all right"
"So ... you went down well"
"Well ... we went down all right"
"all right ?"
"Yeah all right"
"OK ... So your all right then?"
(nods) "Yeah ... Yeah ... I am ... (pauses to drink beer) ... all in all ... I'm all right"
" ... the wife ?"
"She's all right"
".. and the kids ?"
"They are definitely all right !"
"Good ... Well I'm glad your all right, and it's all going all right ... good to see you mate ... its been a long time"
"Yeah"
"Nice to catch up ... "
"Yeah"
"Well ... see you later ... "
"Yeah, all right"

The Xmas Pod

2005-12-16T21:31:00.000Z

Cinema du lyon

A new Xmas podast is now available ... wishing you all yuletide mayhem

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thinking about Mum

2005-12-07T20:25:00.000Z

Its been eight years today.
December 7th 1994.

I still miss her

X

Marcel

2005-12-05T23:02:00.000Z

Here is a picture of Rosies new puppy ...

She called him Marcel

I wonder why ?

PLEASE !!!!!

2005-11-04T20:42:00.000Z

Fuck off with your cocksucking spam about fucking steroids. I DO NOT want to look like some "pumped up to within an inch of my life" arsehole, with a tiny, tiny penis and a really bad attitude, searching, oh so desperately, for a blond vacuous shag.I do not have a complex about whether or not I am the "best in show" and I certainly DON'T want to pick up 350 KG in a clean and jerk. Get a fucking life, chill the fuck out and for god sakes take some decent drugs!

Pure as the driven snow

2005-09-28T20:48:00.000Z

So, drug free ....

the premise is that throughout your life you have avoided all chemical interaction. Never once taken a headache cure, or cold remedy. Never had the pleasure of multi-vitamins and cough medicine. Never sneaked a toke on the youth club spliff. avoided all amphetamines and caffeine based pick me ups at college, avoided all psycho active pleasure drugs on nights out. Never, ever considered snorting cocaine and, god forbid, someone might actually suggest that opiates are the way forward. Plus, the pain killer is not an option, the tranquilliser is unnecessary , and the anabolic steroid is facile.

Twenty Bensons and a pint of Stella ....

I am addicted to life

Pass the duchy pon the left hand side

rack em up

and show me the photos

Cinema du lyon

2005-05-05T13:17:00.000Z

The Cinema du lyon site has been updated and is looking for all the world a fabulous piece of folly ...

Full of mystery and intrigue ...

Sign up to join the movement

Sticking it to them

2005-04-29T10:49:00.000Z

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
.......................................................................

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have. now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John
.......................................................................

I'm back ...

2005-04-28T09:58:00.000Z

Hello y'all, I'm back from outer space, having been on my usual four week abduction exchange. I get to stay with a lovely family of mescqaloids and their son gets to stay in my house. It works quite well apart from the smell ... mescqaloids tend to kick up a bit due to the composition of their skin, mainly sulphur and ammonia based sweat glands. So I normally have to wash the sheets when I get back.

Loads has happened while I've been away ...

Good things
New Order have bought out a fantastic new album
Waiting for the sirens call

The Engineers are a brilliant new band worth catching
The Engineers official site

The government have called an election,
get all the facts at Five.org the only place for independent coverage
or pick up the RSS feed here

Cinema du lyon has a new podcast ready for you to download now
visit the site here
or pick up the RSS feed here

Bad things
Jade Goody has the same face and it is plastered everywhere for no apparant reason
and Chelsea are going to win the league

Laters

The puritan work ethic

2005-03-11T20:26:00.000Z

Thought I'd write a really good blog today ...
loads of ideas floating about ...
lots of shit I wanted to get off my chest ...
slag a few people off ...
rant about some stuff ...
sat down and thought ...
I can't be arsed
I'll do it tomorrow
Then I thought ....
NO!
Tomorrow I've got far too much other shit to be doing ...
Can't waste my valuable time on thinking about writing this shit when I have so much other shit to do ...
So lets do it now ...
Well in a minute ...
First I have to order a Curry, not to hot, don't fancy hot tonight, with all the shit I've got to do the last thing I want is to be having more shit to do, literally speaking ...
Now then ...
lets ...
Hang on
Currys turned up
That was fucking quick, even by their standards
Wait
Maybe it was me, staring into space thinking about all the shit I was going to write ...
and all the shit I have to do ...
and how the hell I'm going to get it all done ...
yep its hot
not too hot tho'
so ...
oh fuck it I'll do it tomorrow

OK !! I don't want to know HELLO !!!

2005-02-28T11:50:00.000Z

It seems to me that when I have an opinion about a celebrity that I get quite a lot of feedback ... So I will continue

Now then

Brian MacSaddam and Kerry Keytosis

I want to know why, why WHY !!!!

He is just a Brian and like all Brians just behaves like a Brian ... He has no describable appeal, the charisma of a Tetse fly and a voice that is no better than a japanese Karaoke star ... Oh and he must have an excellent pair of beer goggles.

I have clocked some great Delta wannabe's at my local B&Q so he has at least taken a step up from the monster that was Mrs MacShaton.
Was she in the Bogey babes or was it ectopic kit off ?
Has she actually contributed to society at any level ? ...
and is she trying to outdo Jade Goody in the munter stakes 'cos its a toss up

Jade Goody ... now don't get me started on that worthless piece of shit or I'll be at it all day

Anyway it saddens me that good trees are being cut down, pulped and processed just so we can get a glimpse of Kerry Katatonia showing us her arse, Brian 'Big' Mac Gibbon sporting this weeks facial growth and Jade Shoddy gurning outside a supermarket with sixteen brats under each arm

... Surely this is an excellent advert for eugenics

Mans best friend ...

2005-02-18T19:17:00.001Z

I smell better
hear more
Don't have to do fuck all
except
Eat sleep and shit ...
There you are, looking like a dog, going off in your dog-tooth jacket, feeling like the dogs bollocks. You fancy doing a bit of dogging, finding your bitch, heavy petting, doing it doggie style. So you have a sniff around, make sure your not in the dog-house, on the hunt, take the lead, give your puppy dog eyes, hound, beg, howl at the moon, don't shit on your own doorstep and Shake a leg. I've got a bone to pick about this dogs life, I bark out some orders, I am the dog with two cocks, on heat, hot to trot, keep me on a short leash, I chase that ball, I reach that lamp-post, running boxer-style.

Good boy.

How low can you go ? (about a Chihuahua)

Now give me something to eat ...

Decked up

2005-02-09T11:07:00.000Z

Just for a change I am not going to rant ... Yes she has been spread all over the media like a small Tsunami all week but ... well ... she is bloody brilliant though. I know as an occupation it ranks in importance alongside the numpties that try to cram themselves into minis to get into the Guinness book of pointless, but she is one brave and determined cookie ... and like all skilled and gifted explorers she has made the whole enterprise look, dare I say it, exciting and easy.
Right now, stuck behind a desk, I yearn for a spell on the open seas, so I applaud Ellen, dame of the ocean, Captain Nemess.

The only thing I'd like Ellen to do on her next voyage ...
Use Pete Doherty as an anchor

(you will of course notice that I have used no references to 'the horn' 'seamen' 'wind at my back' 'spray on my face' or any other rude and defamatory nautical expressions in this missive ... out of respect)

Silent but not so deadly

2005-01-31T15:23:00.000Z

Right ...
So I need to get Broadband at home for myself and the missus. I phone up BT to get one of my lines changed over from NTL (thats 'Not Too Lively') to a BT (thats 'Bill'em Twice) line so that the missus' company can pay for the broadband ...

this is all no problem

Today is the day when an engineer is booked to turn up and do all the necessary stuff, apparently, according to the telephone bod this will involve a five minute visit at no charge ...

great

Its ten a.m and I am just about to leave the house for the office and the mobile goes. "Hello its the BT engineer ... I'll be with you in ten minutes" "Fine I'll hang on" ... I'm hanging on to ask him some pointless questions about broadband that I already know ... just to make sure ...

this is also tickety boo

I am standing just six feet from my front door with my coat on, chatting with number one, occasionally glancing out of the window to check on Mr BT's arrival ...

Twenty minutes goes by and I decide that I can wait no longer so I make to go and to my utter shock and surprise I find an apology slip from BT saying "I am sorry but we called and you were out, please arrange another convenient time when our engineer will call back"

I was of course slightly miffed at this and call BT back to bollock them ...
the engineer is now at my house drilling holes in my walls and generally making a nuisance of himself because it isn't a five minute job after all ...

Lets look at it from the BT blokes point of view ... I did and this is what I came up with ...

"Its monday morning and I slept a bit late, so I didn't get any breakfast and had to dash out for my first job at 8.15 am ... did that, and the next one, its 10.15 am and I am now a bit hungary, all right I'm fecking starving ... I arrive at my next customer and have a quick recce. Shit, it 's not a five minute job at all, I have to get up a pole, fit some wires, drill a hole, fit a box, check it all and clean up, thats going to take at least two hours, it'll be lunchtime before I'm done.
I know what I'll do, I'll use the Ninja tactical operations move I learnt at BT engineers college, you know, its page 233 in the BT How to manual. pull into the street , park slightly up the road so they can't see me from the window, change into my all terrain black ninja fatigues and black kung fu slippers, then advance on the property holding my pre-prepared apology slip tucked into my red 2nd dan ninja sash ...
I move silently, like a cat, poised to make my move, I crouch down on my haunches and creep to the front door, and with all the dexterity that years of experience have taught me, I gently prise open the letterbox, and with no more than a soft flutter the slip nestles on the mat and I am gone, back into the shadows and away. 10.20 am and I am in the cafe, tucking into a full english ..."

Shame that at 10.40 am he was hoisted out of the cafe and onto a job, you know, the one he gets FUCKING PAID FOR !!!

Things I learnt today 14th Jan 2005

2005-01-14T17:04:00.000Z

ts a really bad idea to dress up as a nazi if your third in line to the throne of England even if you only did it after seeing pictures of other members of your family in similar costume.

Labi Siffre's rare album 'Remember My Song' has the killer track 'I Got The...', which has a huge break sampled by, among others, Eminem on 'My Name Is...' Checking out the credits on the album, I noticed that bass and guitar players where none other than Chas Hodges and Dave Peacock, popular english session musicians at the time. That meant that one of the fattest bass breaks in hiphop was played by a member of the oft-derided cockernee novelty act Chas & Dave ... and we supported them, does that make us cooler than cool ... SHAMOWN !!!

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the bible was a cat ... although I challenge anyone to tell me in what book of the new or old testament there is mention of a hamster ... or a gerbil ... or a guinea pig

when a fleas got an itch, what's it scratching ?

Things I learned today - 13th Jan 2005

2005-01-13T17:38:00.000Z

The Epic of Gilgamesh is, perhaps, the oldest written story on Earth. It comes to us from Ancient Sumeria, and was originally written on 12 clay tablets in cunieform script. It is about the adventures of the historical King of Uruk (somewhere between 2750 and 2500 BC).

how many beans make five ...
thats a bean a bean half a bean half a bean a bean a bean

To change an i pod battery you only have to part with 35 quid

to change over from NTL to BT you need the NTL account number

My powerbook "Pismo" is a work of Satan

The Ocean Rooms has been gutted and it will look funky when it re-opens on the 27th Jan.

Death sucks ...

His majesty is coming ...

2004-12-21T13:52:00.000Z

The best thing about Christmas is looking forward to all the great things that may happen in January. Well next year I will be going to see the master Mr Julian Cope. He is gracing us with his presence on January 21st at The Royal Festival Hall and I, along with a few thousand other devotees, will be there. It is close to my birthday (always depressing) and will serve to cheer me through another notch on the life stick. I have carried this mans music with me since the late 70's and he has consistantly surprised, frustrated, thrilled and entertained me in that time. Cope is like your intellectual, slightly mad friend who does things that you wish you had the balls to do. Musically he has had some stella, sublime, brilliant moments and a good deal of self-indulgence, as a performer he is unique, captivating and charismatic. I want 'Trampoline' played at my funeral and I'm glad I've got Julian in my life ...

Good Comedy

2004-12-20T13:45:00.000Z

I went to the Komedia last night, the Krater Club to be precise, to see a friend of mine perform, Stuart Hudson. He was very good. He has done a fair bit of travelling in the last year working the clubs up and down the country. he is destined for big things.

whats the difference ?

2004-12-17T16:54:00.000Z

What is the difference between these two ...

Not a lot really
both DJ's
ones from Liverpool the other one is from Manchester
they both have that 80's radio 1 DJ drone, mock ironic, mock intelligent, mock one of the lads, up to the minute, in your face, got to love the sound of this, got to dash out and buy the next piece of aural filth excreated by some nasty spotty halfwitted indie band that can barely string two guitars together let alone entertain anyone but themselves, type voice

Questions ::

Why do these people exist ?
What actual function do they actually perform?
Why are they allowed to broadcast on anything other than Abergavenny hospital radio ?

I'm off to do some binge drinking now in the hope that I'll get an on the spot prize ...

Oh he said FINE ...

Be afraid ...

2004-12-17T11:37:00.000Z

I woke up this morning with Cliff Richard in my head and to paraphrase Jack Crawford "You don't want Cliff Richard inside your head" especially not "Mistletoe and Wine" and even worse NOT the couplet "Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, children singing cristeean rhymes" ... oh my god, does this mean that I am hurtling towards a life of dribbling, knuckle dragging, dementia ... will I start eating flys, or even worse dates (you know, the ones in the absurd shaped box with a picture of a camel on the front) ? Will I shuffle towards the distant twinkling lights of the pound shop window, enter and purchase ... plastic holly.

Christmas is a time for giving ... so everyone I meet this year is going to get herpes !

The only decent memory I have of the festive season is when I made 3D glasses from the outer cellophane wrapping encasing quality street strawberry and (if memory serves) the cocoanut filled chocolates. Oh what fun and I was convinced that The Great Escape was actually 3D. Donald Pleasence seemed to reach out to me and Charles Bronson dug himself right out of the telly ...

I wish I could say that this was thirty odd years ago, when I was a small child,
but I'm afraid it was only two years ago ...
was it the port ?
or was it the mescalin?

seething ... what

2004-12-16T16:57:00.000Z

feck feck and dooble feck was the early morning chorus today. Servers went down ... and were then put up with old information ... Cinema du Lyon was back to a flash site that had old stuff on it ... Blog of Funk was transported back to the 11th of November and to cap it all I got my foot trodded on in the tube ... Life before Christmas eh ! Happy Bloody birthday Jesus

How to dismantle an atomic bomb ?

2004-12-06T14:55:00.000Z

Put two kilos of self raising flour into a mixing bowl, add the yoke of two eggs, three table spoons of sugar and some milk. Add some strontium 90 and some depleted uranium, add a pinch of plutonium 662. Whisk until firm and place into the oven for thirty to forty minutes. Oh sorry Bono I thought you mean't how to make an atomic cake ...

A quick pickle update

2004-12-04T14:44:00.000Z

I have been talking to my various sauces (sic) in the food service industry and it seems that Premier foods are frantically trying to restore stocks of Branston in time for christmas, the thought of christmas without Branston is unthinkable, I have heard stories of jars being spotted in small corner shops. My advice is to get down to your local Spar and see if there are any jars lurking at the back of the shelves. I am personally very worried about this issue and will be conducting tests on alternatives ... I do not recommend Bartons pickle ! it tastes of metal. I don't mind Heinz ploughmans pickle but again the stocks are depleted due to the panic buying ... any other suggestions gratefully received.

What a pickle !

2004-11-29T10:36:00.000Z

It is not often that I panic. The threat of Tsunami, Global warming, Chemical warfare are all greeted with a shrug and a ' Ce la vie' attitude but I found myself in Sainsbury's yesterday, standing forlornly in aisle 22, looking up and down the top shelves (on top of the frozen veg) desperately looking for the one product that keeps my fragile little world glued together. It wasn't there ! ... I paced back and forth like a caged tiger, unable to believe that it was true, I double checked , triple checked, I even moved other inferior products aside to see if my jar had nestled behind the less worthy. No ! No ! No ! I screamed and fell to the ground, beating my fists on the floor and kicking my legs in the manner of a two year old having a tantrum about not being allowed to destroy the water biscuits. I filled my aching lungs and in a bellow that I am sure could be heard in the next supermarket I screamed the only demand that was left to me

"BRING OUT THE BRANSTON !!"

Silence.
All the tills stopped bleeping.
Then a security radio crackled ...

"we've got another one, aisle 22, crash team go go go ... "

I bought a substitute, a product call 'Bartons sweet pickle'
It was no substitute
Like methadone
just a stop gap

Premier foods I implore you. Please sort the factory out !!

The legend that is Sid Waddell

2004-11-19T14:14:00.000Z

here are some quotes from top darts commentator Sid Wadell

"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."
"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed"
"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a waterbuffalo with a pea-shooter"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"The pendulum swinging back and forth like a metronome"
"His face is sagging with tension."
"The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup"
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
"John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians"
"When I see Steve Davis I see two letters... C. S... Cue Sorcerer"
"By the time of the final on Sunday he should be fit to burst!"
"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"
"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"
"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap,Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"
"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"
"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."
"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."
"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor.They'll have to play outta their essence!"
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers... "
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league"
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."

Revocation of US independence

2004-11-18T14:17:00.000Z

In the light of your failure to elect a human as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,commonwealths and other territories, except Utah which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will Learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with strong language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your Vocabulary then you won't have to use strong language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without a fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go Metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Donkey Piss", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Donkey Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns or lawyers. The fact that you need so many lawyers shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Tonights nice stuff ...

2004-10-01T11:15:00.000Z

First gig in 6 years, and at the illustrious 100 club in Oxford Street, home of the Jigsaw, Boots and a huge Virgin. We support (or maybe shore up would be better) Chas and Dave . So its all cor blimey and stone the crows in W1 tonight ... I'm looking forward to it

A night out with my Norwegian bass playing friend

2004-09-30T08:09:00.000Z

A Great time. Drink, sex talk, football ... well the drink and sex talk anyway, the football was, like chicken mc nuggets, unsatisfactory ...
We talked about the lack of daylight in the winter months, snowboarding, it sounds dull but believe me it wasn't
check out his band that we funk boys will be producing next week Where the spoken play

I Have Stolen Your Bike !

2004-09-29T08:26:00.000Z

I have !! It's white, with a bell !!